Some people believe affairs are the worst thing to happen in a relationship. They’re painful. They destroy trust built between two people over years or even decades. But an affair does not have to be the end of your relationship. Couples have survived affairs before, and yours can, too.
Re-establishing your connection after an affair can happen, given the time, patience, and compassion it takes to work through the myriad of emotions. There is a certain grief that happens after an affair. You can no longer be the couple you were before the affair, but that's okay.
You can build a new relationship, and you can decide to love one another despite the hardship.
How to Make It Work
Communication is going to be your greatest tool in this healing journey. You need to talk to each other. A lot. There is a ton to work through: the emotional hurt, the why, the how. It takes commitment and love for one another, but it can be done.
Decide Your Fate and Make the Time
Surviving an affair as a couple takes one critical step. You need to decide if you still want to be with one another. Sometimes, couples grow apart. Other times, one person knows they’ll be unable to continue the relationship. The first conversation you need to have with your partner is if you’re going to stay together.
Once you’ve decided that you want to continue your relationship, you can start the leg work. Understand that re-establishing your connection will not happen overnight. There is a lot of hurt to work through and several conversations along the path.
You also need to understand that the conversations themselves will take time. They’re not the kinds of discussions you can hold in five-minute increments over coffee.
Tell the Whole Truth
When you’ve decided as a couple that you want to stay together despite the affair, it’s time to get transparent. An affair comes with distrust, and in order to rebuild your relationship, you have to reestablish trust. You can only do this with honesty. There will, of course, be things you aren’t ready to discuss. Be honest about that, too.
The key here is to respect the other person enough to tell them the truth. You’re also trusting them to accept you as the person you are now instead of the person they see in you. The conversations surrounding your relationship after an affair are tough. A lack of honesty means you will continue having the same difficult discussions over and over with no resolution.
So, when you’re talking things through, tell the truth and only the truth.
Don’t Ask If You Don’t Want to Know
While you’re working to rebuild your relationship together, there will be questions. It might be a question like, “Why did you lose interest in me?” or “Did you ever take them to this restaurant?” Hashing out the feelings and thoughts surrounding the affair takes a lot of talking.
Just as it’s important to maintain honesty and transparency, it is important to understand your limits. These conversations are hard. There’s no need to make it harder by asking questions you don’t want the answers to. Before you ask your partner something about the affair, make sure you’re ready for their honest answer.
Seek Help From a Certified Therapist
Working with your partner during the pain and anger of an affair is a laborious task. It takes time, patience, and compassion. It’s doable, though, and you don’t have to do it alone.
Professional therapists are equipped with the knowledge and understanding it takes to repair relationships. Ask a therapist about couple’s counseling and individual counseling, too. If you both want to rebuild your relationship, you have the power to do so.
Contact us to see how affair counseling could help you re-establish your connection.