It’s important to have expectations for your relationships. They help you set standards and boundaries. When you enter a relationship feeling confident about your dealbreakers and what you expect from a partner, you’re more likely to feel fulfilled.
But things get complicated when you both view your relationship differently. What happens if you butt heads when you have different ideas about who shoulders household responsibilities or manages family matters? The good news is that with open communication, empathy, and compromise, it’s possible to navigate through these differences and build a stronger partnership.
Talk about your individual expectations
One way you might be creating friction in your relationship is by expecting the other person to read your mind. When you have different relationship standards, you might not even know your partner’s perspective.
Instead of rushing to anger or hurt, take the time to talk through your differences. Each of your backgrounds, upbringings, past experiences, and cultural influences shape your beliefs about the relationship. Once you recognize these as valid and are ready to hear the other person’s side, you’re on the right track to seeing eye to eye.
Discuss your long-term goals
One way to find common ground in how you view the relationship is talking about your plans for the future. What are the fundamental principles that guide your lives? What are your aspirations five, ten, fifteen years down the line, both individually and as a couple?
Understanding each other’s core values can help you find areas of alignment and figure out where compromise might be necessary. Remember, compromise doesn’t mean sacrificing your values; it means finding creative solutions that allow both partners to feel respected and fulfilled.
Learn to embrace compromise
No relationship is entirely without compromise, even when two people’s expectations completely align. Embrace the idea that you and your partner will not agree on everything, and that’s okay. Flexibility is key to successfully navigating through your mismatched expectations.
Both of you need to be open to adjusting your views and finding middle ground. This demonstrates your commitment to the relationship’s growth and your respect for one another’s perspectives.
Work on managing conflict
How couples handle conflict is a major predictor of whether they’ll succeed in the long run. When you disagree, make sure you still treat one another with respect. Set ground rules for arguments, such as facing one another, keeping a moderate tone of voice, and asking clarifying questions.
Don’t allow outside distractions to interfere when you’re discussing something important. Use I-statements to articulate your feelings rather than attacking or accusing the other person of wrongdoing. When you center your talking points on your feelings, you’re more likely to get your viewpoint across.
Show appreciation when you can
Little gestures or tokens of appreciation can go a long way to showing someone they matter in the relationship. Studies show that strong couples have significantly more positive interactions than negative ones.
Even when you disagree with your partner about an expectation, making an effort to show you value them is more likely to lead to productive discussions and compromises. When you withdraw into yourselves, that shows you’re less interested in finding a common solution.
Are you still butting heads?
Some couples need help communicating about expectations, standards, and boundaries. If you and your partner are frequently escalating your conflicts, it might be time to talk to a couples therapist. A therapist can walk you through your differences and find ways to compromise. They’ll give you helpful tactics for communicating more effectively.
To find out more about how therapy can help you manage your relationship expectations, please reach out to us for couples or marriage counseling.