We all want to feel emotionally validated in our relationships. This provides a sense of comfort and stability. We know we’re doing something right when we feel supported and listened to by our partners. But what if your partner dismisses or belittles your emotions?
This kind of behavior could lead you to doubt yourself and question whether your feelings and thought processes are unwarranted. Eventually this can lead to an emotional disconnection with your partner, which is trouble for any partnership. Here are a few steps you can take to reestablish a connection with your partner and foster a more fulfilling relationship.
First, what is emotional invalidation?
If your partner is emotionally invalidating, they tend to dismiss, belittle, or disregard your feelings or experiences. This behavior can take various forms—they might minimize, deny, or just plain ignore the emotions you express. Invalidating behavior may also involve mocking, blaming, or shaming you for your feelings, leaving you feeling isolated and unimportant.
Signs of emotional invalidation include:
Telling you to just get over things.
Giving you the silent treatment when you talk about your feelings.
Denying your situation by saying “everyone feels this way.”
Blaming you for your feelings or saying “you’re overreacting.”
Comparing your experiences to theirs, making it a competition.
Gaslighting you by saying “that’s not what happened.”
So how can you change these interactions to make yourself feel heard?
When talking about your feelings, use I-statements
When discussing your emotions, use "I" statements to express how you feel without sounding accusatory. For example, say, "I feel hurt when you dismiss my emotions" instead of "You always invalidate my feelings." I-statements make it harder to deny what you’re feeling, which opens the conversation.
Actively listen to their side
Be open to hearing your partner’s side of the story. Give them the space to talk about their experiences the same as you discuss yours. They might not be aware of their invalidating behavior or may have their reasons for reacting the way they do. Empathetic listening can create a space for both of you to communicate openly.
Set boundaries about emotional support
Establish clear boundaries about what behavior is unacceptable and the importance of emotional validation in the relationship. Don’t allow your frustration to be pushed aside. When one person is unhappy in the relationship, it needs to be dealt with.
Discuss how both of you can work together to create a healthier emotional environment. For example, you might set aside time each week to talk about your feelings, or ask that phones be put away during discussions. You can also set aside alone time for each of you after a heated talk.
Validate your own feelings
You can’t always depend on your partner to validate your feelings, so you can start with yourself. Don’t just accept your partner’s invalidation as the truth. Instead, look inward and ask yourself how their dismissal makes you feel.
Listen to your inner voice and don’t allow yourself to be drawn into a debate about your lived experiences. Talk with people who do validate you and can offer an empathetic ear.
Seek couples counseling
Sometimes it’s too difficult to bridge this emotional gap alone. Talk to your partner about seeking a couples therapist. Many people find that the neutral space of a therapy session allows them more freedom to communicate openly. The therapist will mediate your conversations and give you tools to show appreciation and emotionally validate one another. With proper cooperation, you and your partner can work to develop a fulfilling, mutually supportive relationship.
To find out more about how marriage counseling can help you validate your partner, please reach out to us.