Our feelings are part of what makes us human. But it can be frustrating when you don’t feel in control of them, especially when you’re having tough conversations. Maybe you get upset, angry, tearful, or uncontrollably frustrated. This can translate to a derailed conversation and even more conflict. It’s important to learn to regulate your emotions so you can more effectively communicate with your partner and articulate yourself.
Know what you want out of the conversation
Don’t go into these kinds of discussions without having end goals in mind. Try writing down what you’d like to happen—concrete things you and your partner can accomplish after talking. This also gives you an opportunity to take stock of your feelings right now and how you expect to feel during the conversation.
Develop an emotional vocabulary
Being able to articulate how and why you’re feeling specific feelings, such as frustration, disappointment, or sadness, allows you to convey your emotions more accurately to your partner. This helps them better understand where you’re coming from. Try looking at a feelings wheel and taking stock of your emotions while finding the specific words for them.
Some feelings are also secondary, meaning they come up after another feeling. Anger, for example, usually happens after feeling ashamed, unloved, afraid, or belittled. This means if you’re prone to getting angry during hard conversations, it’s even more important to develop an emotional vocabulary that makes room for underlying emotions.
Know your triggers
Understanding your emotional triggers is an important early step in managing your emotions. Reflect on past interactions and identify recurring patterns that spark strong emotional reactions in you.
Knowing your triggers allows you to anticipate and prepare for topics that will upset you and possibly derail the conversation. Talk with your partner about these triggers and come up with ways to avoid or cope with them.
Take breaks when you need to
If emotions escalate, don’t feel like you need to keep talking. Sometimes, stepping away from a heated discussion provides both parties with the opportunity to cool off and gain perspective. Set a time to reconvene and continue the conversation you both feel more composed and ready to engage in a productive dialogue.
If you know ahead of time you’ll want to take breaks, talk about them beforehand with your partner. Structuring your conversations this way also gives you more control and a better handle on your emotions.
Practice active listening
Listening is a powerful tool in communication. When you’re actively listening to your partner, you give yourself time to manage your emotional reactions. Practice active listening by giving your partner your full attention, maintaining eye contact, and providing verbal and nonverbal cues to show that you are engaged.
Reflect on what your partner is saying before responding. This can prevent misunderstandings and keep your discussions on track.
Aim for understanding, not agreement
It’s natural to want to end every conversation in full agreement with your partner. But sometimes, you should focus on understanding one another instead. What’s most important is understanding your partner’s feelings and perspectives—this shows you’re communicating in a healthy way.
Talk to a counselor
Not all relationship issues can be solved alone. If you’re finding these conversations too tough to handle, or you’re having them too often, it might be time to see a couples counselor. Your therapist can facilitate conflicts and tough conversations. They’ll also give targeted advice based on your communication styles and give you particular places to improve on.
To find out more about how marriage counseling can facilitate difficult conversations with your partner, please reach out to us.