During childhood, we rely on our caregivers to meet our basic needs for love, safety, and security. When these needs go unfulfilled, it can lead to deep-seated emotional wounds that shape our beliefs about ourselves and others. Understanding the connection between unmet childhood needs and adult relationship patterns is an important step toward healing and building a better life.
Understanding attachment theory
Attachment theory helps us understand how our early relationships influence our adult attachment styles. According to this theory, the quality of the bond between a child and their caregiver lays the groundwork for their attachment style later in life. In other words, how much we could rely on our parents to provide for us as children provides the blueprint for whether we’re able to trust, be vulnerable, and have self-confidence. There are four main attachment styles:
Secure attachment
As children, they felt comfortable in their reliance on their caregivers. They had their physical and psychological needs met. In adulthood, they tend to have high self-esteem, form trusting relationships with others, and aren’t afraid to be vulnerable.
Ambivalent attachment
As children, they were both upset when caregivers left but didn’t feel comforted by their return. As adults, they often feel insecure in relationships, fearing abandonment and seeking constant reassurance from their partners. They may exhibit clingy or needy behavior.
Avoidant attachment
As children, they didn’t seek attention or comfort from caregivers. Those with avoidant attachments show no preference for their caregiver over a stranger. As adults, they tend to suppress their emotions and avoid intimacy. They may appear emotionally distant and have difficulty trusting others or depending on them for support.
Disorganized attachment
As children, their caregivers were inconsistently available or abusive. They were confused about their caregiver’s wildly shifting behavior. As adults, they tend to suppress their emotions and avoid intimacy. They may appear emotionally distant and have difficulty trusting others or depending on them for support.
Types of unmet childhood needs
Unmet childhood needs can take a variety of shapes. Broadly, we might say the biggest unmet need is for the child to be loved. More specifically, these unmet needs can stem from emotional neglect, physical absence of the parent, invalidation of feelings, consistent belittling, a lack of safety, or exposure to trauma.
What’s also important is the perception these needs aren’t being met. If a parent believes they are validating their child but the child perceives it as criticism, they may still carry that wound and feel unworthy as an adult.
Impact on adult relationships
These unmet needs can show up in our adult relationships in several ways. They can manifest as patterns of behavior such as fear of intimacy, difficulty setting boundaries, or an inability to trust other people. For example, someone who experienced inconsistent caregiving may struggle with feeling unworthy of love. This can lead to excessively seeking validation and needing constant approval from partners.
These unmet needs can also show up as the types of relationships we gravitate toward. Someone with a disorganized attachment might seek out an abusive partner who recreates these “familiar” toxic dynamics because it’s all they knew in childhood.
Getting help
If you’re beginning to understand your unmet childhood needs and their effect on your adult life, therapy can help. Therapy can provide you the space to explore your childhood, challenge these negative ways of relating to others, and improve your communication style. With your therapist, you’ll learn how this journey of introspection can heal these childhood wounds and build your self-esteem.
To find out more about how men’s counseling can help you bridge the gap, please reach out to us.