Life With ADHD: Learning to Self-Validate Rather than Relying on External Validation

We all want validation from other people. It feels good to be complimented and praised. But when we rely too much on other people to validate us, we’ll find ourselves questioning our self-worth. This can lead down a dangerous path of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and self-sabotaging behaviors.

If you’ve been living with ADHD, chances are you’ve felt shame and self-doubt about your ability to perform as well as your peers. You may even be relying on others to tell you whether you’re good enough, which can feel paralyzing. If this sounds like you, learning to counter this need for external validation will break the cycle of self-sabotage.

What is self-validation?

Self-validation means understanding and accepting your internal experiences and emotions. This doesn’t mean blindly justifying all your thoughts—in fact, you probably have some thoughts and feelings you question. But that doesn’t negate the fact that they’re all part of your unique experience.

Self-validation involves accepting and inspecting your internal life, leading to a deeper understanding of yourself and how you respond to the world. If you have ADHD, you might struggle with accepting your internal experience as valid. Here are several strategies to help you practice self-validation.

Challenge your negative self-talk

ADHD can sometimes lead to negative self-talk, where you criticize yourself for perceived shortcomings. When you don’t meet a deadline or forget an important meeting, you probably internally chastise yourself by thinking you’re not worthy or good enough.

photo of a young adult woman smiling

Challenge these thoughts by asking yourself if they are based on facts or assumptions. Remember, you are not your ADHD. Replace negative statements with affirmations that focus on your strengths and efforts. Try coming up with a list of phrases you can rely on that get you out of the negative cycle and recall positive outcomes you’ve had in the past.

Make goals manageable

Break down your goals into smaller, achievable steps. This can involve a level of self-negotiation. If you’re struggling to start a task, give yourself 10 or 15 minutes instead of thinking about how long the entire thing will take. Celebrate each step you accomplish, regardless of whether others acknowledge it.

You can build in little rewards for yourself along the way. Recognize that progress is valuable, even if it’s not immediately visible to others.

Be gracious with yourself

Nobody learns self-validation overnight. It’s a long process, and it can involve some painful introspection and self-awareness. When you slip up and find yourself craving external validation or self-sabotaging, take a step back. Allow yourself room to make errors, notice them, and try again. Try out a new perspective: embrace your imperfections and setbacks as part of the learning process rather than proof of your inadequacy.

Embrace your emotions

Building a practice of meditation and mindfulness can ease your mind and help you connect with your feelings. This gives you the space to be in your body without judgment. Many people also find that mindfulness can help them feel more motivated and active. Use this practice as an opportunity for positive visualizations and self-affirmations. By learning to understand your emotions and connect with your body and mind, you’re better able to empower yourself in times of stress.

Getting professional help

No one should wrestle with self-doubt alone. ADHD can often make you recognize when you’re struggling but don’t how to break the cycle. Talk to a therapist who specializes in ADHD-related issues and can provide a framework for understanding how your brain works. Psychotherapeutic approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy can change the way you process thoughts and emotions and get you out of the vicious cycle of negative self-talk.

To learn more about how you can find self-validation in adhd therapy, please reach out to us.